*Fanfiction
English
OneShot
P:RyoDa
P:TegoPi
P:YasuBa
PG-13
Short Story
Extended Chapter of Miracle’s Dream.
Summary: Post Miracle’s Dream. When Yasuda could not mentally endure the departure of Sakura, will he look for his friends for help or will he resort to a certain extreme?
Characters: YaSuba, RyoDa and tiny TegoPi
Rating: PG-13 (Attempted suicide, nudity and language)
Word Count: 5,094 words
Author's Note: My first one shot that exceeds 5000 words… and my first time actually writing with the intention of slash, even though only implied, since I could not bear writing it… not just yet…
The glum sky was as dark as his feeling at that moment. He sat on the sill of his window looking out on the pelting rain against the window. He rested his head against the window as he shut his eyes. A tear rolls down his cheek without him even realising it.
“Yasu?” A familiar voice called to him. “Yasu, daijoubu?” he said as he approached the younger man. The younger man slowly looked up and wiped his tears. Yasuda just nodded. “Are you sure. You’re a little pale.”
Yasuda just smiled. “I’m fine, Baru. Just a little tired.” he said quietly. “The arrangement is done. It’s in my room.”
Shibutani sat opposite Yasuda as he placed his hand on Yasuda’s. “Shota. It’s been two months.” He said trying to get Yasuda back as he was before Catherine passed. Yasuda just nodded. “You said you’d tell me if something is bothering you.”
Yasuda just shook his head. “There’s nothing. I just missed her. Otherwise there is nothing else.” Yasuda replied. Subaru laid sympathetic eyes on him. “Honma ni. Daijoubu.” Yasuda spoke softly avoiding the older man’s eyes.
“Omae, you really need to sleep and eat properly. You’ve changed a lot since you found out about Pi, you know.” Shibutani said seriously. He was not only talking about Yasuda’s change of mood in the past few months but also his shaggy and tired appearance. “You don’t have to wear the strong facade all the time you know.”
Yasuda sighed. “I can’t let Ryo see me sad. I promised her that. I promised Saku-chan that I will never let Ryo worry about me.” he answered. “Baru, losing her, I felt like I lost a child. I lost my child. Even though it had only been three years.” Yasuda spoke. His vision was lost in the dark night. “I know I should believe what I said to Ryo. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to accept it myself.”
Shibutani just kept to himself. Lending his ears to his best friend. He realized that Yasuda’s songs and lyrics are deeper and darker than it used to be. Somehow he kept telling others that Yasuda was just maturing. Yet he knew. He knew that really Yasuda was suffering alone.
The silent between them was deafening. Yasuda squeezed his eyes shut as if it was painful for him to even hear the sound of silent. “What’s wrong?” Shibutani asked warmly. Yasuda just shook his head quietly.
“I’m selling this apartment. I'll be going back home tomorrow.” Yasuda said suddenly. Shibutani nodded understandingly.
“Come and stay with me for a while.” Shibutani offered. Yasuda shook his head. “You mean..?” without even finishing his sentence, Yasuda nodded weakly. “Yasu. Have you thought this over?”
“I let my work lead my life. I should have been there with her.” Yasuda’s voice thick with remorse.
Shibutani knows there was nothing he could say that could change the younger man’s mind. “Shouldn't you tell the guys first?”
“I will first thing tomorrow morning.” Yasuda answered. “It wouldn't hurt Kanjani8 one bit.”
“Shota. What do you mean it wouldn't hurt us?” Shibutani snapped loudly. “Yasu what about me?” he asked naively.
Yasuda could not answer. He felt the hot liquid starting to brim his eyes again. “Kanjani8 would do fine with or without me. Ryo knows all the chords and my voice isn’t that important.” Yasuda spoke with his back turned to Subaru. He knew that was not true, but he just needed something to hurt the older man so that he could just leave. “I’m not that important anyways.” He said bluntly. Somehow along the way he did feel like it. He felt unimportant and at some point unwanted.
Quickly, Shibutani spun the younger man around to face him. “You are a part of us for so long. What do you mean? What are you trying to say?” Shibutani shook the younger man in front of him. “What are you trying to say?” He demanded a little more sternly as calmly as he could trying to control the boiling anger developing in side of him.
Even he was not sure what to answer. There was no answer to the question that Shibutani asked. All Yasuda did was shook his head. “Just leave.” He said weakly as he shrugged off the older man’s hand from his shoulders.
“Yasuda, you know I will not leave especially after seeing you like this. Is it worth it what you are giving up? All your hard work? All your life building and making you who you are, is it worth it giving that all away?” Shibutani spoke before he created a small gap from each other.
“I need to be alone tonight.” Yasuda spoke softly ignoring the older man’s words. “Baru, just leave me be.” He said before walking towards his bedroom. Shaking his head softly Shibutani decided not to press the younger one further.
He was about to give up and just go on home this complying to the younger one’s order, yet, his heart felt heavy to step out from the apartment. Somehow it was like he could feel something was not right with the younger man. Worried, he flipped his phone and dialed the only other person who he knows he could trust and depend on.
“Subaru-kun, I know you don’t care about sleeping pattern and whatever else that you never cared about, but I believe in them and I know my body need to rest.” Maruyama’s voice was half asleep on the other end of the line.
“Were you already asleep?” Shibutani questioned halfheartedly.
“What is it?” Maruyama finally asked a little more awake.
“Gomen na. If you were.” Shibutani hesitated.
Hearing his straight voice and the ring of worry, makes Maruyama more concerned than ever. “You are okay right?” He questioned.
“I’m not calling because of me. Maru, can you come to Yasu’s apartment? Something is very wrong with him. He doesn’t seem like himself. Even more than usual.” Shibutani’s voice shivers as they vibrated through the phone line. Before he could explain further, a loud thump came from Yasuda’s room. “Just come.” Shibutani said before ending the call.
With his heart beating thunderously and a million awful thoughts ran through his mind, he was not sure whether he could handle the things he might see. Yet, for the sake of his friend, the one person that he relies on and the one person that he cares about the most he could not careless of his fear and his own emotion.
He was not sure what was it that drove him there. Considering the distance between their houses, Maruyama was quick to get ready and respond. It took him less than an hour to get to Yasuda’s place. Usually, Maruyama would cruise the car and would take more than an hour and a half to reach Yasuda’s house. His heart raced as well. He was not sure what was it that Shibutani tried to tell him on the phone but the way his voice trembled really worries him.
Yasuda’s home was partially opened and the lights were open. “Baru?” Maruyama called as soon as he stepped into the house. “Yasu?” He tried to call the owner of the house. “Hey, it’s not funny people.” He said calmly as he carefully walked in further into the apartment.
‘Yasu collapsed. Meet you at the hospital. -Subaru-’ A note read on Yasuda’s bedroom door. Composed, Maruyama shut his eyes tight and calm himself even further. It was almost at the same time he felt a vibration seeped through his pants. ‘Ryo-chan’ it read on the screen.
Hesitantly he picked up. “Hey, what’s up?” Maruyama answered the call with a faked happy voice.
“Yasu is admitted. I’m in Tokyo, Baru need our help. I’ll be there as soon as I can. In the meantime can you please go to the hospital?” Nishikido’s voice filled with urgency as he spoke. “And Maru,” He paused before continuing. “You have to keep this from Yoko and the rest. Only the four of us knows.” Nishikido said quickly before Maruyama heard a click on the other end.
He could not move a muscle. He could not register of what was he to do. “Why?” Was the only thing that escaped from his mouth. Another buzz vibrated in his hand before he answered his phone again without even looking at the caller ID.
“Maru.” The familiar voice of Shibutani spoke through the speaker. “Maru, where are you?” Shibutani’s frightened voice was replaced by a broken and pained vibe in them.
“I’m at Yasu’s apartment.” Maruyama answered. “Ryo just called. Is everything okay?” Maruyama questioned as he quickly head for the hospital. “What is wrong with him?”
The other line was silent. Though no voice spoke, he could feel Shibutani was still there. He could feel that the older man needed the time to gather his courage and explain. He could feel that his friend was shattered to the core and he was too hurt to speak. “Baru, listen to me. He’s going to be fine. I’m on my way there now.” He said reassuringly.
*******
Shibutani’s small stature sat on the hospital bench. His expression was beyond shattered. “He’s trying to kill himself. It’s an overdose. Maru, he told me he’s not important. He told me that he wanted to quit everything.” His voice sounded frail. “How can he say that he doesn’t matter?”
Never in his life, not even when they were told about the suspension had he seen Shibutani broken as broken as he was at that moment. “He did not try to kill himself. He’s going to be fine, Baru.” Maruyama spoke softly as he guided the older man to a seat.
“I spoke to him. He told me that he don’t matter. He told me that he is not important. Are we neglecting him. Did we? Did I?” Shibutani spoke as his eyes searched for something concrete to settle on. Maruyama shook his head. He had nothing to reply to the older man. Silently, in his own way he tries to calm the older man.
“Where is he now?” Maruyama finally questioned.
Shibutani shook his head. “He’s still in surgery. They pumped his stomach, there were complication. Yasu is too weak. He has no will to live on.” He explained.
“Subaru, Yasuda is not like other people. He may seem weak, he may seem small, he is one strong kid. He is the reason we are what we are.” Maruyama spoke. “I’m sure he will be fine. I’m sure, he will pull through this.”
*******
He was not sure what was it that bother him more. Having a best friend who tried to take his own life for feeling shun out or having a friend who is blaming himself for all that has happened. Nishikido took a deep long breath as he lit up his cigarette.
“I thought you said you were going to stop.” A soothing voice spoke to him. Nishikido wondered how could he once hated the man. Maybe hate was too strong of a word but how could he find the smallest fault to fight with him. “Do you need to be alone?” The man questioned him.
Nishikido was just being himself and not speak when having problems. He sighed. The older male gave him a soft smile before began to walk away. “Ueda, wait.” Nishikido spoke suddenly. “I said I was going to reduce not stop completely.” He said. Ueda just nodded. “Can you stay with me for a while?” He asked gently.
Ueda nodded silently as he moved nearer to Nishikido. “This thing is going to kill you someday.” He spoke as he took the newly lighted cigarette from Nishikido’s hand and took a puff from it. “Man, that’s too strong.” He spoke coughing a little.
A smile curved on Nishikido’s face. “Yes, sometimes I just need an idiotic hime to make me smile.” Nishikido spoke. Ueda smiled. At least he succeeded in making the younger one smile. “What are you doing out here?” He questioned.
“I miss Catherine. Her silly little comments and her jokes. It just didn’t seem fair sometimes. Life is never fair is it.” Ueda spoke. “And I was looking for you to ask for the song that you played during the concert, the one that she made with Yamashita.” The smile on Nishikido’s face was wiped off totally. “I’m sorry.” Ueda said realizing the change in mood at the moment.
“Do you have anything to do tomorrow?” NIshikido asked suddenly masking his upset voice with a deeper and emotionless one. Ueda just shook his head. He was going somewhere but he knew it was not as important as NIshikido. “Do you think you can accompany me to Osaka?” He asked. Ueda nodded but he did not need a reason from the younger man. He did not need to know why. As long as he could help him in some way, he was glad enough to do it. “You’re not going to ask me why?”
“As long as I can keep you out of trouble, that’s enough for me.” Ueda replied.
*******
His whole body aches as he tried to move. The last thing he remembered was taking his pills and staring outside at the pelting rain on the window. After that he felt like his body moved on auto pilot. He felt warm hands clasped his own tightly. “Itai.” He tried to squeak. He tried to move but his whole body just would not listen to the signal his brain was sending.
“You have to come back.” He heard the broken voice of his best friend. “You are important. Too important and too precious to be leaving like this. Shota please open your eyes. Hang in there.” He heard the man spoke with quivering voice. Warm droplet trickled down his hand as he heard another voice inferred.
“Tadaima.” Yasuda forced as the bright light of the room blinded him. He swore he had heard the voice before. He would even fight to live for him yet, the faces he was seeing, was foreign to him. “Dare?” He spoke softly. “Kimi tachi, dare desuka?” He questioned as his eyes panned from one person to another. “Subaru-kun.” His hands tightened on the one was holding tight to his.
The tense atmosphere in the room grew. “Daijoubu yo. You’ll remember them in no time.” Shibutani spoke softly in a slightly stronger voice. “Okaeri.” He whispered softly as he embraced the younger man. “Don’t leave me again. Never ever do that to me, again.”
The closeness somehow made Yasuda’s heart accelerates. “What happened?” He questioned. “Why am I here?” He questioned.
The four pairs of eyes looked at each other. Not one of them had a solid answer. Not one of them had the courage to tell him. Nishikido hesitated bearing the responsibility. “You had an overdose.” He spoke bluntly. “You were unconscious for about a week.” He spoke at the same time trying to compose himself. Yasuda looked at him blankly. “Yasu, cut the crap. We all know what you were trying to do. You’ve been doing it all the while since she left us.”
Like a switch being flicked on, Yasuda search for something really precious to him. “Sakura-chan. Where is she?” He questioned. Gently and silently, Shibutani took Yasuda’s hand and made him felt the pendant he was wearing. “She never took it off.” He said a little disoriented.
“He might have memory lapse or even selective amnesia.” The attending medical officer said trying to explain to Shibutani and Maruyama. “It’s possible that his brain suffered from a little damage due to lack of oxygen and due to the loss of blood.”
As if his heart was held on hold, Shibutani was too shock to respond to the doctor. “Beside he might lose his memory, Yasuda will be fine, right?” Maruyama asked in a very composed voice. The graying attending sighed. He did not want to give the young boys too much hope, but he himself is hoping for the young man to wake up.
“I’ll get the doctor.” Ueda volunteered suddenly as he tugged NIshikido along. The skinnier man shot him a death glare, but he followed Ueda anyways. “Look there are things that I can bear with you but you have to know when to control that mouth of yours.” Definitely annoyed by the insensitivity of Nishikido, Ueda expressed a piece of his mind.
Puzzled, Nishikido just kept quiet as he walked beside Ueda. It was not long before the doctor in charge was dispatched to Yasuda’s room. “I better let the other two handle him right now.” Nishikido said coldly.
Never had he seen Ueda so angry before. Ueda gets upset easily and teary eyed much more easily but never had he seen him flustered and speechless. Sighing and shaking his head towards Nishikido, Ueda trailed the middle aged doctor. Nishikido, as if he was left with no other choice, he too trailed his lover. “Don’t talk to me.” Ueda mumbled as he quicken his pace.
Being his stubborn self, Nishikido waited outside his friend’s room. “Can you remember your name?” He heard the doctor asked. Yasuda had no problem answering the question. Then the doctor proceed with a series of basic questions asking about his age, his home and his family. All of which he had no problem answering. When the doctor questioned about his work, it was then Nishikido knew Yasuda was not playing him for a fool.
“I don’t exactly remember what I do.” Yasuda spoke. His voice was shaky. “But the last thing I remember was taking my medication. I have a slight depression which I can’t remember why and I guess I was over exerting myself to its limit. Fainting is nothing new to me.” Yasuda answered. The doctor did not say much but making ‘hm’ sound.
A long pause was heard in between the lines that Yasuda spoke. He was trying hard to remember. He was exerting himself to his limit. He was exerting his mental limit to its most maximum. Knowing Yasuda, he was just being himself. He was just pleasing and making other people happy. He was just satisfying others and keeping them cheerful. No matter what it takes and how bad it will affect his own health.
It was a while later that the doctor came out with Shibutani. A little shocked to see Nishikido standing at the foyer, he chose to just ignore the younger man. “He did have depression. He has been suppressing his feeling since someone close to himself passed away a few months ago. I was there when he collapsed. He might not know he over dosed. Those things he said he could not remember was those things that he was trying to forget.” Shibutani tried his best to explain.
“I guess, he does have selective amnesia. There are things that his mind wants to forget and end up lost somewhere in his memory. Just hope that his condition is just temporary. Was he acting differently before he fainted?” The doctor questioned.
Shibutani nodded but Nishikido seconded him. “He was fine that morning. He was just being himself.” Nishikido protested. Shibutani just let out a short laugh.
“He was fine that morning but a few hours before he fainted, maybe after he took his medication he was saying weird things, like he was giving up on life itself. He was done being strong for everyone else. He just wanted everything to stop. He wanted to stop living himself.” Shibutani explained.
The doctor just nodded. Depression medication overdose does that to you. “I don’t think he did it on purpose. The dosage might vary according to his body weight. According to his record, he has lost a lot of weight since the last time he came in for his checkup. That might be the cause of it.” He explained. Shibutani let out a sigh of relief.
“Can he gain his memory back?” Nishikido asked suddenly.
“Eventually, yes.” The doctor replied. Both men nodded before they headed back to Yasuda room. “But give him time, don’t push him too hard.” The doctor said.
When he was sure there was no other person was there, Shibutani stopped the younger man who was with him. “He’s like that because of you, of Yamashita-kun.” Shibutani spoke softly but the anger boiling in his voice was so apparent. “He wanted to keep his promises to Sakura, he ended almost killing himself. He is not as strong as you think. He is still just another human. He is just another person who have lost a part of him. Why can’t you understand him for once.” Shibutani said, his voice was trembling. Not with anger but with disappointment.
NIshikido was not sure what to say. He admitted he was being a little careless lately but he was not sure what had he done to piss the older man so much.
********
“No one blames you, you know.” Tegoshi said as he sat beside the worrying Yamashita. Yamashita just smiled sadly at the younger one. “He was the last person you might have thought to take it like this. He never showed his weak side to anyone. Not ever.”
Yamashita sighed. “Everyone has their weakness. Yasuda-kun, might seem happy go lucky and cheerful all the time, we never knew what he was feeling inside. We never knew how hard was it to see Ryo and I laughing while he suffers alone.” Yamashita spoke. “She was supposed to be my responsibility. I rejected her before even knowing about her. Yasuda-kun, easily accepted her for what she is without even caring about her past.”
Gently Tegoshi curled his arm around Yamashita. “Na~ still, he was just being himself, and he ended up being too attached to her. “Pi, you can’t blame yourself for what had happened you know.”
“I am not. But just thinking about Yasuda-kun. I was supposed to feel the way he is feeling yet, he is the one more affected by my sister’s death. Sometimes I think I am just cold in some ways.” Yamashita said.
Tegoshi threw his vision faraway from Yamashita. “The person who should be saying that is Ryo-chan. He knew. I understand him wanting to keep to his words. He of all people should understand Yasuda-kun. Sometimes, Ryo just acts like he does not even have a heart. He has to control his emotion better.” He spoke as he stood up and extended his hand to Yamashita. “It’s the least we can do. Even there is a chance that he might not even know who we are.” He gave a blinding smile to Yamashita.
Yamashita replied his smile and reached for his hand. He began to trail the younger man then stopped suddenly. “Yuya, you are a real friend.” He spoke as he pulled the younger one into a hug.
“I hope you understand, that is all we can be.” Tegoshi spoke quietly. “Pi, I’m sorry if I ever lead you on, but I know you understand how I feel about us, right?” Tegoshi said as he pulled away from the older man. Yamashita smile disappeared totally from his face.
Pretending to be shocked and hurt, “What do you mean?” Yamashita questioned. “All these times, the time you slept in my bed, when I cried on your shoulders and all those times you made me smile, just because I am your friend?” Yamashita said as his lips trembled.
Uncertainly Tegoshi looked up to look into Yamashita’s eyes. “That is all we can be, Pi. We are never going to be meant for each other.” Tegoshi replied. “All we can be is best friends and I am not going to risk that for anything else.”
“Obviously, you little freak. What do you think I am?” Yamashita said breaking into a smile. “I’m thankful for having you as my friend though.”
Tegoshi’s eyes lit up to the comment. Like a little boy who was given a new hope, Tegoshi beaming smile appeared again.
*******
“How long do I have to stay?” Yasuda asked worriedly. The others just looked at each other, unsure whether or not to tell him. “Look, I don’t know what happened, but I’m pretty sure I would never do it because I want to kill myself.” He said pouting a little. As if nothing had ever happened, Yasuda was still like himself. His behavior, the tone of his voice and the way he speaks.
NIshikido stared at him. “You really don’t remember who we are?” He questioned. A sincere tone of concerned hinted in his voice.
“Relax, you can’t expect me to remember everything as soon as I open my eyes. I remember who you are. I even remember what I am. Somehow my brain needed the time to remember those things. Sakura-chan passed away. I remembered that too.” Yasuda spoke calmly as his eyes fell to his fidgeting hands on the blanket.
“Yesterday when the doctor asked about what you do for a living you said you could not remember.” Nishikido said desperately.
Yasuda smiled at Maruyama and Shibutani. “They helped while you were sleeping in the waiting room with Ueda-kun.” Yasuda said. “Video’s, pictures all they have in the computer and hand phones, from you were smaller than Baru to bigger than me. It’s like they gave me peace for a while, but it’s something too precious not to remember.” Yasuda replied. The room tense atmosphere thickens. “I’m sorry, that I worry you all so much lately. No one knew I had depression. No one but Sakura. It was not because of her. It was way before that. I became less dependent on the medication when I met her. Losing her woke me up. Youth doesn’t prevent from the ultimate fate.” Yasuda spoke.
Ueda neared him. “I was never close to her, but somehow, she tamed the untamable Nishikido Ryo, she is one hell of a girl.” Ueda spoke. A smile was re-carved on Yasuda’s face. Ueda was not very good with his words, at least when he was speaking. For him to speak to lighten the mood just made it that much awkward. Yet, somehow, it did lighten the mood in the room.
“Ueda-kun, you look tired. It’s enough I’m the only one stuck here. You should go home and take Ryo-chan with you. Take the night off, nothing else will happen today anyways.” Yasuda spoke softly. Nishikido sighed. “Ryo, you too, you have to take care of your health too.”
“You don’t have to baby me anymore. You have done that enough for more than 15 years. You don’t have to take care of any of us anymore. It’s that attitude that got you here in the first place.” Nishikido spoke. “Na Yasu, I can take care of myself now.” Nishikido neared the smaller man.
Yasuda replied with a weak smile. “The thing is I can’t. It’s my nature to do so.” He replied. “Plus the least you could do is leave me and Baru alone for a night.” He reasoned shyly. Shibutani, who was sitting on the hard chair quietly straighten. “Onegai shimasu.” Yasuda spoke softly as a cheeky smile formed on Nishikido’s face.
It was that night, the two of them was left together in the lonely hospital room. The air was cold and the tension between them was even colder. “You just wanted them out right?” Shibutani questioned suddenly as he pulled the hard chair nearer to Yasuda.
“Kind of.” Yasuda replied. “I’m getting tired getting preached on.” Yasuda spoke. Ever since he remembered, somehow there are hints of regret in him for knowing, yet the memories they had together was too beautiful and too precious for him to just forget. “You don’t have to stay either if you don’t want to.”
Shibutani smiled at the younger boy. “You love to mommy the juniors don’t you?” Shibutani said slyly. Yasuda let out a small laugh. It had been years since he had heard that line. The last time he heard it from was from one of the junior kids during the Dream Boys show back in 2006. “No wonder Nakajima loves you more than he loves me.”
“There’s a reason why the cast called you daddy once.” Yasuda countered. Shibutani shrugged his shoulders. Maybe they were meant for each other. They are closer than any best friends, their bod are not severable. “It’s getting a little cold don’t you think?” Yasuda said as he made a little space on the bed. Just enough for Shibutani to squeeze in.
“Maybe just tonight.” Shibutani said reluctantly as he abide and sat on the bed. Gently he wrapped his hand around the smaller boy as he laid his head on Shibutani’s chest. “It has been so long ne.” Shibutani said quietly.
“You are like the brother that I never had. The one that I know I can rely on.” Yasuda spoke as he listen intently to Shibutani’s beating heart. “One thing I miss the most about Saku-chan is the feeling to be relied upon. To be the one responsible.” Yasuda said with a heavy heart.
“She wouldn’t want to see the person that she cares about the most to be suffering alone because of her.” Shibutani responded. Before they knew it, they were talking into the night and end up sleeping in each other’s arms.
*******
“Are you still angry with me?” Nishikido questioned as Ueda trailed him into his room. Ueda just kept quiet and pretended like he did not hear the words Nishikido uttered. “I really don’t get you.” Nishikido started. “You are all nice and fluffy one moment and then all princess-y the next moment. Help me to understand you please.”
Ueda sighed. “I’m not princess-y.” Ueda protested as he tied his hair up and began to walk towards the bath room.
“Okay princess, tell me something. How can I make it up to you?” Nishikido pleaded as he stopped Ueda midway. Instead of answering Ueda just shrugged him off. He took off his clothes and began to bathe. It was not long until Nishikido joined him. The bath in Nishikido’s apartment was big enough to fit the two under fed people and it was snuggly enough for them to be intimate. “Maybe this will help.” Nishikido whispered quietly into Ueda’s ears as his hand gently messages Ueda’s shoulder.
It was almost like luck, but they believed that it was fated for them. They believe that they are meant for each other.
Characters: YaSuba, RyoDa and tiny TegoPi
Rating: PG-13 (Attempted suicide, nudity and language)
Word Count: 5,094 words
Author's Note: My first one shot that exceeds 5000 words… and my first time actually writing with the intention of slash, even though only implied, since I could not bear writing it… not just yet…
The glum sky was as dark as his feeling at that moment. He sat on the sill of his window looking out on the pelting rain against the window. He rested his head against the window as he shut his eyes. A tear rolls down his cheek without him even realising it.
“Yasu?” A familiar voice called to him. “Yasu, daijoubu?” he said as he approached the younger man. The younger man slowly looked up and wiped his tears. Yasuda just nodded. “Are you sure. You’re a little pale.”
Yasuda just smiled. “I’m fine, Baru. Just a little tired.” he said quietly. “The arrangement is done. It’s in my room.”
Shibutani sat opposite Yasuda as he placed his hand on Yasuda’s. “Shota. It’s been two months.” He said trying to get Yasuda back as he was before Catherine passed. Yasuda just nodded. “You said you’d tell me if something is bothering you.”
Yasuda just shook his head. “There’s nothing. I just missed her. Otherwise there is nothing else.” Yasuda replied. Subaru laid sympathetic eyes on him. “Honma ni. Daijoubu.” Yasuda spoke softly avoiding the older man’s eyes.
“Omae, you really need to sleep and eat properly. You’ve changed a lot since you found out about Pi, you know.” Shibutani said seriously. He was not only talking about Yasuda’s change of mood in the past few months but also his shaggy and tired appearance. “You don’t have to wear the strong facade all the time you know.”
Yasuda sighed. “I can’t let Ryo see me sad. I promised her that. I promised Saku-chan that I will never let Ryo worry about me.” he answered. “Baru, losing her, I felt like I lost a child. I lost my child. Even though it had only been three years.” Yasuda spoke. His vision was lost in the dark night. “I know I should believe what I said to Ryo. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to accept it myself.”
Shibutani just kept to himself. Lending his ears to his best friend. He realized that Yasuda’s songs and lyrics are deeper and darker than it used to be. Somehow he kept telling others that Yasuda was just maturing. Yet he knew. He knew that really Yasuda was suffering alone.
The silent between them was deafening. Yasuda squeezed his eyes shut as if it was painful for him to even hear the sound of silent. “What’s wrong?” Shibutani asked warmly. Yasuda just shook his head quietly.
“I’m selling this apartment. I'll be going back home tomorrow.” Yasuda said suddenly. Shibutani nodded understandingly.
“Come and stay with me for a while.” Shibutani offered. Yasuda shook his head. “You mean..?” without even finishing his sentence, Yasuda nodded weakly. “Yasu. Have you thought this over?”
“I let my work lead my life. I should have been there with her.” Yasuda’s voice thick with remorse.
Shibutani knows there was nothing he could say that could change the younger man’s mind. “Shouldn't you tell the guys first?”
“I will first thing tomorrow morning.” Yasuda answered. “It wouldn't hurt Kanjani8 one bit.”
“Shota. What do you mean it wouldn't hurt us?” Shibutani snapped loudly. “Yasu what about me?” he asked naively.
Yasuda could not answer. He felt the hot liquid starting to brim his eyes again. “Kanjani8 would do fine with or without me. Ryo knows all the chords and my voice isn’t that important.” Yasuda spoke with his back turned to Subaru. He knew that was not true, but he just needed something to hurt the older man so that he could just leave. “I’m not that important anyways.” He said bluntly. Somehow along the way he did feel like it. He felt unimportant and at some point unwanted.
Quickly, Shibutani spun the younger man around to face him. “You are a part of us for so long. What do you mean? What are you trying to say?” Shibutani shook the younger man in front of him. “What are you trying to say?” He demanded a little more sternly as calmly as he could trying to control the boiling anger developing in side of him.
Even he was not sure what to answer. There was no answer to the question that Shibutani asked. All Yasuda did was shook his head. “Just leave.” He said weakly as he shrugged off the older man’s hand from his shoulders.
“Yasuda, you know I will not leave especially after seeing you like this. Is it worth it what you are giving up? All your hard work? All your life building and making you who you are, is it worth it giving that all away?” Shibutani spoke before he created a small gap from each other.
“I need to be alone tonight.” Yasuda spoke softly ignoring the older man’s words. “Baru, just leave me be.” He said before walking towards his bedroom. Shaking his head softly Shibutani decided not to press the younger one further.
He was about to give up and just go on home this complying to the younger one’s order, yet, his heart felt heavy to step out from the apartment. Somehow it was like he could feel something was not right with the younger man. Worried, he flipped his phone and dialed the only other person who he knows he could trust and depend on.
“Subaru-kun, I know you don’t care about sleeping pattern and whatever else that you never cared about, but I believe in them and I know my body need to rest.” Maruyama’s voice was half asleep on the other end of the line.
“Were you already asleep?” Shibutani questioned halfheartedly.
“What is it?” Maruyama finally asked a little more awake.
“Gomen na. If you were.” Shibutani hesitated.
Hearing his straight voice and the ring of worry, makes Maruyama more concerned than ever. “You are okay right?” He questioned.
“I’m not calling because of me. Maru, can you come to Yasu’s apartment? Something is very wrong with him. He doesn’t seem like himself. Even more than usual.” Shibutani’s voice shivers as they vibrated through the phone line. Before he could explain further, a loud thump came from Yasuda’s room. “Just come.” Shibutani said before ending the call.
With his heart beating thunderously and a million awful thoughts ran through his mind, he was not sure whether he could handle the things he might see. Yet, for the sake of his friend, the one person that he relies on and the one person that he cares about the most he could not careless of his fear and his own emotion.
He was not sure what was it that drove him there. Considering the distance between their houses, Maruyama was quick to get ready and respond. It took him less than an hour to get to Yasuda’s place. Usually, Maruyama would cruise the car and would take more than an hour and a half to reach Yasuda’s house. His heart raced as well. He was not sure what was it that Shibutani tried to tell him on the phone but the way his voice trembled really worries him.
Yasuda’s home was partially opened and the lights were open. “Baru?” Maruyama called as soon as he stepped into the house. “Yasu?” He tried to call the owner of the house. “Hey, it’s not funny people.” He said calmly as he carefully walked in further into the apartment.
‘Yasu collapsed. Meet you at the hospital. -Subaru-’ A note read on Yasuda’s bedroom door. Composed, Maruyama shut his eyes tight and calm himself even further. It was almost at the same time he felt a vibration seeped through his pants. ‘Ryo-chan’ it read on the screen.
Hesitantly he picked up. “Hey, what’s up?” Maruyama answered the call with a faked happy voice.
“Yasu is admitted. I’m in Tokyo, Baru need our help. I’ll be there as soon as I can. In the meantime can you please go to the hospital?” Nishikido’s voice filled with urgency as he spoke. “And Maru,” He paused before continuing. “You have to keep this from Yoko and the rest. Only the four of us knows.” Nishikido said quickly before Maruyama heard a click on the other end.
He could not move a muscle. He could not register of what was he to do. “Why?” Was the only thing that escaped from his mouth. Another buzz vibrated in his hand before he answered his phone again without even looking at the caller ID.
“Maru.” The familiar voice of Shibutani spoke through the speaker. “Maru, where are you?” Shibutani’s frightened voice was replaced by a broken and pained vibe in them.
“I’m at Yasu’s apartment.” Maruyama answered. “Ryo just called. Is everything okay?” Maruyama questioned as he quickly head for the hospital. “What is wrong with him?”
The other line was silent. Though no voice spoke, he could feel Shibutani was still there. He could feel that the older man needed the time to gather his courage and explain. He could feel that his friend was shattered to the core and he was too hurt to speak. “Baru, listen to me. He’s going to be fine. I’m on my way there now.” He said reassuringly.
*******
Shibutani’s small stature sat on the hospital bench. His expression was beyond shattered. “He’s trying to kill himself. It’s an overdose. Maru, he told me he’s not important. He told me that he wanted to quit everything.” His voice sounded frail. “How can he say that he doesn’t matter?”
Never in his life, not even when they were told about the suspension had he seen Shibutani broken as broken as he was at that moment. “He did not try to kill himself. He’s going to be fine, Baru.” Maruyama spoke softly as he guided the older man to a seat.
“I spoke to him. He told me that he don’t matter. He told me that he is not important. Are we neglecting him. Did we? Did I?” Shibutani spoke as his eyes searched for something concrete to settle on. Maruyama shook his head. He had nothing to reply to the older man. Silently, in his own way he tries to calm the older man.
“Where is he now?” Maruyama finally questioned.
Shibutani shook his head. “He’s still in surgery. They pumped his stomach, there were complication. Yasu is too weak. He has no will to live on.” He explained.
“Subaru, Yasuda is not like other people. He may seem weak, he may seem small, he is one strong kid. He is the reason we are what we are.” Maruyama spoke. “I’m sure he will be fine. I’m sure, he will pull through this.”
*******
He was not sure what was it that bother him more. Having a best friend who tried to take his own life for feeling shun out or having a friend who is blaming himself for all that has happened. Nishikido took a deep long breath as he lit up his cigarette.
“I thought you said you were going to stop.” A soothing voice spoke to him. Nishikido wondered how could he once hated the man. Maybe hate was too strong of a word but how could he find the smallest fault to fight with him. “Do you need to be alone?” The man questioned him.
Nishikido was just being himself and not speak when having problems. He sighed. The older male gave him a soft smile before began to walk away. “Ueda, wait.” Nishikido spoke suddenly. “I said I was going to reduce not stop completely.” He said. Ueda just nodded. “Can you stay with me for a while?” He asked gently.
Ueda nodded silently as he moved nearer to Nishikido. “This thing is going to kill you someday.” He spoke as he took the newly lighted cigarette from Nishikido’s hand and took a puff from it. “Man, that’s too strong.” He spoke coughing a little.
A smile curved on Nishikido’s face. “Yes, sometimes I just need an idiotic hime to make me smile.” Nishikido spoke. Ueda smiled. At least he succeeded in making the younger one smile. “What are you doing out here?” He questioned.
“I miss Catherine. Her silly little comments and her jokes. It just didn’t seem fair sometimes. Life is never fair is it.” Ueda spoke. “And I was looking for you to ask for the song that you played during the concert, the one that she made with Yamashita.” The smile on Nishikido’s face was wiped off totally. “I’m sorry.” Ueda said realizing the change in mood at the moment.
“Do you have anything to do tomorrow?” NIshikido asked suddenly masking his upset voice with a deeper and emotionless one. Ueda just shook his head. He was going somewhere but he knew it was not as important as NIshikido. “Do you think you can accompany me to Osaka?” He asked. Ueda nodded but he did not need a reason from the younger man. He did not need to know why. As long as he could help him in some way, he was glad enough to do it. “You’re not going to ask me why?”
“As long as I can keep you out of trouble, that’s enough for me.” Ueda replied.
*******
His whole body aches as he tried to move. The last thing he remembered was taking his pills and staring outside at the pelting rain on the window. After that he felt like his body moved on auto pilot. He felt warm hands clasped his own tightly. “Itai.” He tried to squeak. He tried to move but his whole body just would not listen to the signal his brain was sending.
“You have to come back.” He heard the broken voice of his best friend. “You are important. Too important and too precious to be leaving like this. Shota please open your eyes. Hang in there.” He heard the man spoke with quivering voice. Warm droplet trickled down his hand as he heard another voice inferred.
“Tadaima.” Yasuda forced as the bright light of the room blinded him. He swore he had heard the voice before. He would even fight to live for him yet, the faces he was seeing, was foreign to him. “Dare?” He spoke softly. “Kimi tachi, dare desuka?” He questioned as his eyes panned from one person to another. “Subaru-kun.” His hands tightened on the one was holding tight to his.
The tense atmosphere in the room grew. “Daijoubu yo. You’ll remember them in no time.” Shibutani spoke softly in a slightly stronger voice. “Okaeri.” He whispered softly as he embraced the younger man. “Don’t leave me again. Never ever do that to me, again.”
The closeness somehow made Yasuda’s heart accelerates. “What happened?” He questioned. “Why am I here?” He questioned.
The four pairs of eyes looked at each other. Not one of them had a solid answer. Not one of them had the courage to tell him. Nishikido hesitated bearing the responsibility. “You had an overdose.” He spoke bluntly. “You were unconscious for about a week.” He spoke at the same time trying to compose himself. Yasuda looked at him blankly. “Yasu, cut the crap. We all know what you were trying to do. You’ve been doing it all the while since she left us.”
Like a switch being flicked on, Yasuda search for something really precious to him. “Sakura-chan. Where is she?” He questioned. Gently and silently, Shibutani took Yasuda’s hand and made him felt the pendant he was wearing. “She never took it off.” He said a little disoriented.
“He might have memory lapse or even selective amnesia.” The attending medical officer said trying to explain to Shibutani and Maruyama. “It’s possible that his brain suffered from a little damage due to lack of oxygen and due to the loss of blood.”
As if his heart was held on hold, Shibutani was too shock to respond to the doctor. “Beside he might lose his memory, Yasuda will be fine, right?” Maruyama asked in a very composed voice. The graying attending sighed. He did not want to give the young boys too much hope, but he himself is hoping for the young man to wake up.
“I’ll get the doctor.” Ueda volunteered suddenly as he tugged NIshikido along. The skinnier man shot him a death glare, but he followed Ueda anyways. “Look there are things that I can bear with you but you have to know when to control that mouth of yours.” Definitely annoyed by the insensitivity of Nishikido, Ueda expressed a piece of his mind.
Puzzled, Nishikido just kept quiet as he walked beside Ueda. It was not long before the doctor in charge was dispatched to Yasuda’s room. “I better let the other two handle him right now.” Nishikido said coldly.
Never had he seen Ueda so angry before. Ueda gets upset easily and teary eyed much more easily but never had he seen him flustered and speechless. Sighing and shaking his head towards Nishikido, Ueda trailed the middle aged doctor. Nishikido, as if he was left with no other choice, he too trailed his lover. “Don’t talk to me.” Ueda mumbled as he quicken his pace.
Being his stubborn self, Nishikido waited outside his friend’s room. “Can you remember your name?” He heard the doctor asked. Yasuda had no problem answering the question. Then the doctor proceed with a series of basic questions asking about his age, his home and his family. All of which he had no problem answering. When the doctor questioned about his work, it was then Nishikido knew Yasuda was not playing him for a fool.
“I don’t exactly remember what I do.” Yasuda spoke. His voice was shaky. “But the last thing I remember was taking my medication. I have a slight depression which I can’t remember why and I guess I was over exerting myself to its limit. Fainting is nothing new to me.” Yasuda answered. The doctor did not say much but making ‘hm’ sound.
A long pause was heard in between the lines that Yasuda spoke. He was trying hard to remember. He was exerting himself to his limit. He was exerting his mental limit to its most maximum. Knowing Yasuda, he was just being himself. He was just pleasing and making other people happy. He was just satisfying others and keeping them cheerful. No matter what it takes and how bad it will affect his own health.
It was a while later that the doctor came out with Shibutani. A little shocked to see Nishikido standing at the foyer, he chose to just ignore the younger man. “He did have depression. He has been suppressing his feeling since someone close to himself passed away a few months ago. I was there when he collapsed. He might not know he over dosed. Those things he said he could not remember was those things that he was trying to forget.” Shibutani tried his best to explain.
“I guess, he does have selective amnesia. There are things that his mind wants to forget and end up lost somewhere in his memory. Just hope that his condition is just temporary. Was he acting differently before he fainted?” The doctor questioned.
Shibutani nodded but Nishikido seconded him. “He was fine that morning. He was just being himself.” Nishikido protested. Shibutani just let out a short laugh.
“He was fine that morning but a few hours before he fainted, maybe after he took his medication he was saying weird things, like he was giving up on life itself. He was done being strong for everyone else. He just wanted everything to stop. He wanted to stop living himself.” Shibutani explained.
The doctor just nodded. Depression medication overdose does that to you. “I don’t think he did it on purpose. The dosage might vary according to his body weight. According to his record, he has lost a lot of weight since the last time he came in for his checkup. That might be the cause of it.” He explained. Shibutani let out a sigh of relief.
“Can he gain his memory back?” Nishikido asked suddenly.
“Eventually, yes.” The doctor replied. Both men nodded before they headed back to Yasuda room. “But give him time, don’t push him too hard.” The doctor said.
When he was sure there was no other person was there, Shibutani stopped the younger man who was with him. “He’s like that because of you, of Yamashita-kun.” Shibutani spoke softly but the anger boiling in his voice was so apparent. “He wanted to keep his promises to Sakura, he ended almost killing himself. He is not as strong as you think. He is still just another human. He is just another person who have lost a part of him. Why can’t you understand him for once.” Shibutani said, his voice was trembling. Not with anger but with disappointment.
NIshikido was not sure what to say. He admitted he was being a little careless lately but he was not sure what had he done to piss the older man so much.
********
“No one blames you, you know.” Tegoshi said as he sat beside the worrying Yamashita. Yamashita just smiled sadly at the younger one. “He was the last person you might have thought to take it like this. He never showed his weak side to anyone. Not ever.”
Yamashita sighed. “Everyone has their weakness. Yasuda-kun, might seem happy go lucky and cheerful all the time, we never knew what he was feeling inside. We never knew how hard was it to see Ryo and I laughing while he suffers alone.” Yamashita spoke. “She was supposed to be my responsibility. I rejected her before even knowing about her. Yasuda-kun, easily accepted her for what she is without even caring about her past.”
Gently Tegoshi curled his arm around Yamashita. “Na~ still, he was just being himself, and he ended up being too attached to her. “Pi, you can’t blame yourself for what had happened you know.”
“I am not. But just thinking about Yasuda-kun. I was supposed to feel the way he is feeling yet, he is the one more affected by my sister’s death. Sometimes I think I am just cold in some ways.” Yamashita said.
Tegoshi threw his vision faraway from Yamashita. “The person who should be saying that is Ryo-chan. He knew. I understand him wanting to keep to his words. He of all people should understand Yasuda-kun. Sometimes, Ryo just acts like he does not even have a heart. He has to control his emotion better.” He spoke as he stood up and extended his hand to Yamashita. “It’s the least we can do. Even there is a chance that he might not even know who we are.” He gave a blinding smile to Yamashita.
Yamashita replied his smile and reached for his hand. He began to trail the younger man then stopped suddenly. “Yuya, you are a real friend.” He spoke as he pulled the younger one into a hug.
“I hope you understand, that is all we can be.” Tegoshi spoke quietly. “Pi, I’m sorry if I ever lead you on, but I know you understand how I feel about us, right?” Tegoshi said as he pulled away from the older man. Yamashita smile disappeared totally from his face.
Pretending to be shocked and hurt, “What do you mean?” Yamashita questioned. “All these times, the time you slept in my bed, when I cried on your shoulders and all those times you made me smile, just because I am your friend?” Yamashita said as his lips trembled.
Uncertainly Tegoshi looked up to look into Yamashita’s eyes. “That is all we can be, Pi. We are never going to be meant for each other.” Tegoshi replied. “All we can be is best friends and I am not going to risk that for anything else.”
“Obviously, you little freak. What do you think I am?” Yamashita said breaking into a smile. “I’m thankful for having you as my friend though.”
Tegoshi’s eyes lit up to the comment. Like a little boy who was given a new hope, Tegoshi beaming smile appeared again.
*******
“How long do I have to stay?” Yasuda asked worriedly. The others just looked at each other, unsure whether or not to tell him. “Look, I don’t know what happened, but I’m pretty sure I would never do it because I want to kill myself.” He said pouting a little. As if nothing had ever happened, Yasuda was still like himself. His behavior, the tone of his voice and the way he speaks.
NIshikido stared at him. “You really don’t remember who we are?” He questioned. A sincere tone of concerned hinted in his voice.
“Relax, you can’t expect me to remember everything as soon as I open my eyes. I remember who you are. I even remember what I am. Somehow my brain needed the time to remember those things. Sakura-chan passed away. I remembered that too.” Yasuda spoke calmly as his eyes fell to his fidgeting hands on the blanket.
“Yesterday when the doctor asked about what you do for a living you said you could not remember.” Nishikido said desperately.
Yasuda smiled at Maruyama and Shibutani. “They helped while you were sleeping in the waiting room with Ueda-kun.” Yasuda said. “Video’s, pictures all they have in the computer and hand phones, from you were smaller than Baru to bigger than me. It’s like they gave me peace for a while, but it’s something too precious not to remember.” Yasuda replied. The room tense atmosphere thickens. “I’m sorry, that I worry you all so much lately. No one knew I had depression. No one but Sakura. It was not because of her. It was way before that. I became less dependent on the medication when I met her. Losing her woke me up. Youth doesn’t prevent from the ultimate fate.” Yasuda spoke.
Ueda neared him. “I was never close to her, but somehow, she tamed the untamable Nishikido Ryo, she is one hell of a girl.” Ueda spoke. A smile was re-carved on Yasuda’s face. Ueda was not very good with his words, at least when he was speaking. For him to speak to lighten the mood just made it that much awkward. Yet, somehow, it did lighten the mood in the room.
“Ueda-kun, you look tired. It’s enough I’m the only one stuck here. You should go home and take Ryo-chan with you. Take the night off, nothing else will happen today anyways.” Yasuda spoke softly. Nishikido sighed. “Ryo, you too, you have to take care of your health too.”
“You don’t have to baby me anymore. You have done that enough for more than 15 years. You don’t have to take care of any of us anymore. It’s that attitude that got you here in the first place.” Nishikido spoke. “Na Yasu, I can take care of myself now.” Nishikido neared the smaller man.
Yasuda replied with a weak smile. “The thing is I can’t. It’s my nature to do so.” He replied. “Plus the least you could do is leave me and Baru alone for a night.” He reasoned shyly. Shibutani, who was sitting on the hard chair quietly straighten. “Onegai shimasu.” Yasuda spoke softly as a cheeky smile formed on Nishikido’s face.
It was that night, the two of them was left together in the lonely hospital room. The air was cold and the tension between them was even colder. “You just wanted them out right?” Shibutani questioned suddenly as he pulled the hard chair nearer to Yasuda.
“Kind of.” Yasuda replied. “I’m getting tired getting preached on.” Yasuda spoke. Ever since he remembered, somehow there are hints of regret in him for knowing, yet the memories they had together was too beautiful and too precious for him to just forget. “You don’t have to stay either if you don’t want to.”
Shibutani smiled at the younger boy. “You love to mommy the juniors don’t you?” Shibutani said slyly. Yasuda let out a small laugh. It had been years since he had heard that line. The last time he heard it from was from one of the junior kids during the Dream Boys show back in 2006. “No wonder Nakajima loves you more than he loves me.”
“There’s a reason why the cast called you daddy once.” Yasuda countered. Shibutani shrugged his shoulders. Maybe they were meant for each other. They are closer than any best friends, their bod are not severable. “It’s getting a little cold don’t you think?” Yasuda said as he made a little space on the bed. Just enough for Shibutani to squeeze in.
“Maybe just tonight.” Shibutani said reluctantly as he abide and sat on the bed. Gently he wrapped his hand around the smaller boy as he laid his head on Shibutani’s chest. “It has been so long ne.” Shibutani said quietly.
“You are like the brother that I never had. The one that I know I can rely on.” Yasuda spoke as he listen intently to Shibutani’s beating heart. “One thing I miss the most about Saku-chan is the feeling to be relied upon. To be the one responsible.” Yasuda said with a heavy heart.
“She wouldn’t want to see the person that she cares about the most to be suffering alone because of her.” Shibutani responded. Before they knew it, they were talking into the night and end up sleeping in each other’s arms.
*******
“Are you still angry with me?” Nishikido questioned as Ueda trailed him into his room. Ueda just kept quiet and pretended like he did not hear the words Nishikido uttered. “I really don’t get you.” Nishikido started. “You are all nice and fluffy one moment and then all princess-y the next moment. Help me to understand you please.”
Ueda sighed. “I’m not princess-y.” Ueda protested as he tied his hair up and began to walk towards the bath room.
“Okay princess, tell me something. How can I make it up to you?” Nishikido pleaded as he stopped Ueda midway. Instead of answering Ueda just shrugged him off. He took off his clothes and began to bathe. It was not long until Nishikido joined him. The bath in Nishikido’s apartment was big enough to fit the two under fed people and it was snuggly enough for them to be intimate. “Maybe this will help.” Nishikido whispered quietly into Ueda’s ears as his hand gently messages Ueda’s shoulder.
It was almost like luck, but they believed that it was fated for them. They believe that they are meant for each other.
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